Lately I’ve noticed a refrain from many friends and clients. They’re telling me about a situation with their boss, or colleague, or their kid’s teacher, or their partner. In the middle of explaining the situation, they pause and say: “which is fine, it’s fine.”
Hang on. Is it fine? It doesn’t sound like it’s fine. It sounds like there’s a dynamic that is making you feel devalued, or not heard, or overlooked, or concerned. It sounds like you can’t assert your stance about what’s going on, so instead you tell yourself that it’s fine, it’s all fine.
What happens when we tell ourselves “it’s fine,” but it isn’t?
Some people move ahead until they reach a breaking point. When something happens that they finally can’t call “fine,” they explode, lash out, or quit.
Some start to believe what they’ve been telling themselves. It’s fine! I shouldn’t expect anything more. This is the way it is! Fine.
If you’re a person who uses this phrase habitually, I want to invite you to try something. The next time you hear yourself explain, “Oh, it’s all fine,” stop. What are you feeling? What are you thinking? What were you saying before you pivoted to this phrase that says, “never mind, it’s not a big deal after all”?
If you were going to replace “it’s fine” with something more genuine and more vulnerable, what would you say?
