The Blog / Archive

I went to a routine medical appointment yesterday. The woman who was taking care of me said, “Thank you for being so pleasant! That’s been in short supply here today.” Her comment surprised me (I think I’m an average amount of “pleasant,” as a person), and I asked what had happened. Without getting into details, she said, “Well, I know I’m not running an ice cream stand here, but people have really been complaining a lot; they’re giving me a tough time.” This woman is a medical professional who has been doing her work for decades. It was clear from … Read more

Recently I spent the day at an amusement park not too far from where I live. When we arrived, fifteen minutes after the gates opened, there was a long line to get in, even for people who had bought their tickets ahead of time. We spent quite a while in the line, and throughout our wait, we had no interaction with anyone employed by the park. Sporadically, one of the people in our party would wonder, “Is this the right line? Is it possible we’re in the wrong place?” but with no clear reason to move, we just kept waiting. … Read more

We all have times when our default intention takes charge.  Something happens, and that default intention kicks in. We need to defend ourselves, to prove we’re right, to prevent failure, to let them know they’re wrong, to hide, to make waves, to be heard…the list goes on. But what happens when the fear-based, default reaction happens so often that it becomes just…the way you are? Many of us cling tightly to our view of the world around us, limited as that view must necessarily be. Seeing other perspectives might make us feel vulnerable, inadequate, or ignorant—nobody likes to feel that … Read more

One of the fundamental principles of coaching is that you can only coach who’s in the room. In other words, it doesn’t make sense to spend a lot of time talking about the boss, the spouse, the colleague: we can only coach the client. Inevitably, clients do talk about other people during sessions, and understanding what a client is experiencing in their work and home life is essential context for doing this work. But coaching is for You, the person in the session. You’re the one who scheduled the session and showed up. You’re the one who knows your own … Read more

I’ve had several conversations lately that revolve around the idea of being authentic in conversation. One person said, “Sometimes in a conversation I just feel unfinished, like it’s not honest if I don’t say what’s on my mind, even if we’ve been talking about the topic for a while.” Another person compared what it feels like to “be himself at work” versus all the times he has had to “put on a role in order to be who the person I’m talking to wants to see.” Inevitably, this goes to the question of intention in conversation. Am I being manipulative … Read more

I write a lot in this space about creating connection through deliberate intention. Deliberate intention comes from answering these questions: What outcome do I want out of this conversation? How do I want to make this person feel? What do I hope they’ll do? What change am I trying to create? Deliberate intention is an effective tool because it harnesses what we’re already doing intuitively and makes it more, well, intentional.  When we communicate with others, we’re always trying to make something happen; deliberate intention allows us to key in to what that is, and change course if necessary. But … Read more

You know how sometimes you’ll see a play or a movie, and one actor’s performance stands out, and not in a good way? Afterwards you might say, “She seemed like she was in a different play than everyone else.” What’s going on when that happens? When one actor isn’t meshing with the production, they don’t have the same goal as the rest of the ensemble. Ideally, every person working on the play shares a vision of how the story unfolds, what moments are important, and how the audience will experience this creation. When this happens, the play feels inevitable yet … Read more

My son is in high school, and recently he shared that a student in one of his classes gave a lengthy presentation using slides crammed with text, reading each bullet point aloud. “How am I supposed to learn?” he asked later. “I can’t process this information this way.” I’m not blaming the student. I’m sure she was doing exactly what she has seen before, and what has “worked” in the sense that she got a good grade on regurgitating the information.  I have noticed this trend in the very small sample size of my two kids, particularly their experiences in … Read more

The great Dean Smith was the head coach of the North Carolina Tar Heel basketball team from 1961-1997. Smith had a rule that everyone who played for him followed, and that continues today at Carolina. When you make a basket after getting a pass from a teammate, you point to the person who passed you the ball. This quick act of gratitude and acknowledgement highlights what’s necessary to be a good teammate. People who share the ball, who are looking not for their own glory but for the player with the best chance to score, receive accolades for their generosity. … Read more